DAY ONE: AFTERNOON (IV) – Joe

MAGNES JACK: Ok. I think we just have time for one more before we wrap-up for the day.

Joe: It’s been a great day Magnes, thank you. I wonder if you could sum up what would be the essence of your approach? It seems to me that there are lots of elements and sometimes it seems very simple, and then at other times, I’ve thought, “Wait a minute! There’s more to this than meets the eye.”

MAGNES JACK: Thanks Joe. Well, it’s been said already but the very simplicity of an approach is what makes it seemingly invisible to our radar. We have learned to think that simple is not enough, that complexity is where the intelligence is.

This is one of the basic flaws in that needs addressing. To savour the simplicity.

Joe, I’m all for enjoying life, and yet I know that life is challenging, by it’s very dynamic nature. So, my approach is to enjoy the challenge of life; by seeing that my particular version of events in – by definition – self-limiting, and so to take that with a pinch of salt, and a smile, and to explore new possibilities and new experiences.

But I also know, that human nature is such that we are often brought back to our default view, as if, by gravitational force; and so we require a formal structure to remind ourselves to consider where we are at, and where we might go next.

You see, we need the stimulation of new experience. This can come externally, by doing new things etc, but essentially, it is driven intentionally, by our desire to try new things, to challenge our own views, our approach to relationships, our view of ourselves, the extent of the vista of possibilities that lies ahead of us.

For example, when I said that you are all remarkable people, how many accepted that as a possibility, and how many brushed it off?

It’s interesting to explore.

When we are brushing our magic under the carpet, is it any wonder we want to watch TV all day. [Laughing]

Joe, does that answer your question?

Joe: Yes, Magnes. Thanks. And have a great evening!

MAGNES JACK: Well, I shall endeavour to do just that.

May I thank you all for your participation today. Also, those of you who have chosen to do specific projects this evening, have fun with them, and we look forward to hearing from you at some time tomorrow. No pressure there. [Laughing]

And remember that tomorrow, we want to look at your dreams and what you want to bring into the world. So please bring them with you tomorrow, and any questions you may have around that.

Have a lovely evening, and we’ll see you again tomorrow morning, bright-eyed and bushy tailed.

Thank you.

Audience: [General applause]

DAY ONE: AFTERNOON (IV) – Alan

MAGNES JACK: Ok. Is there anyone with a burning question that they would like to ask today?

Alan: Yes! [MAGNES JACK: Great.] It’s about fear. I know we’re talked about fear earlier on, but I find that I just feel a tremendous resistance to doing what I need to, almost a refusal. Which is bizarre because I really want to do well, but if I look back at the results I’m getting, they are just not there, and I can see that I am just pulling back on so many fronts – it does my head in!

As you say, we are remarkable, but tapping that potential I am finding so tremendously difficult. It’s like my demons have more up their sleeve than I do. I can’t seem to outwit them.

For example, I have trained to do hypnotherapy, and want to start up my own business, but I am terrified, and I take steps but I just know they are tentative steps because of the fear.

Ideally, I would just like to rid of the fear!

MAGNES JACK: Alan, good to meet you. Yes, if fear would just go away, then think what we could do.

I could dress this up in lots of ways, but here are the facts of the matter, fear will always be there, so rather than wish fear away, put your focus on how you can move your dream forward with fear as your challenge.

Tomorrow, we’ll be looking a lot at dreams, so this is an excellent example to start to think about fear.

How can we best approach this?

Well, we need to be clear what we are dealing with. Then, we need a structure in place, so that every single day, we can meet this actively meet this challenge and grow from it. Finally, we need a consistent approach to handling fear.

So, to sum up:

1. Enough Clarity
2. Formal Structure and,
3. Fun and Exciting Approach.

By enough clarity, I mean that we can get too obsessed by knowing everything before we act on it. Clarity can become an excuse for inaction. So we need enough to know what we are facing, and then our actions will give us the experiences we need to gain further clarity and learning.

The structure is important, because it’s very easy to leave it a day, and then a week – but if we really want to do this, then a strong, almost formal structure is tremendously supporting in keeping us on track. Clearly, the simpler this is to follow, the better. Any complexity, just provide more food for rationalising inaction.

The journal is the simplest and most powerful structure I know of, and would heartily recommend.

Finally, the approach we take will determine to some extent our desire to act. Because if it feels difficult and horrible to do, we probably won’t! So we need to make it fun and exciting. The more exciting the better!

So, Alan, do you want to briefly walk through this?

Alan: Yes, love to!

MAGNES JACK: Ok. Well let’s begin with having enough clarity.

Are you clear what it is that has stopped you setting your business up?

Alan: To be honest, I’m afraid that I won’t be good enough, and perhaps I don’t want to be found out!

MAGNES JACK: Ok. Let’s put this in the context of your clients. So, if you first client comes along and you are unable to help them in some way, will that not be good enough? Will you just shut up shop?

Alan: [Laughing] I don’t suppose I can expect to be brilliant right from the off. I suppose I’ll just have to do my best and see what happens.

MAGNES JACK: Ok. So you’re fairly clear that it’s a fear of not being good enough and being found out.

Alan: Yes.

MAGNES JACK: So does that feel like you have enough clarity to decide how to move forward with this?

Alan: Yes. I mean I don’t know what at the moment, but at least I know where I’m at. Of course, I wish it were different. I wish I was as confident as others on the course who just seem to sail into business. But, I guess, I’m not.

MAGNES JACK: “You guess you’re not?” Are you unsure now? Alan, can you see how already you are backing away a little from saying, “Yes, I have enough clarity to move forward.” Now, I’m not saying this to have a go, because I have been in the same place a thousand times. I just wanted to make sure you could see it.

Alan: Yes, I do. It’s not pretty is it? Almost a reflex action!

MAGNES JACK: That’s exactly it – a reflex action.

Let’s move on to formal structure. All I can say on this Alan, is that for you to put this in place, so that every day, you have an opportunity to move forward with this. Will you do that?

Alan: [Nods] Yes.

MAGNES JACK: Great. So tomorrow morning, visit this again; and the day after. Just as a matter of course. It’s just part of your day.

Last but not least, let’s look at the approach, which I’m saying helps if it’s fun and exciting too!

So, Alan, in the context of your business, your job is to set up some really fun and exciting business targets for next week; these targets should be so exciting as to give the fear a run for it’s money! You with me?

Alan: Ah, I see. Yes. Something that will really energise me!

MAGNES JACK: Sure. Get the juices going. Life is energy after all.

Do you have something in mind?

Alan: Well, I could start to look for premises. That’s one thing I’ve been putting off.

MAGNES JACK: Great. Is that exciting?

Alan: So, so. [Laughing]

MAGNES JACK: Whose winning – fear or fun?

Alan: Fear at the moment.

MAGNES JACK: Ok, so how can you make this even more fun?

Alan: What just came to me is how great it will be to actually go and visit these premises – to visualise what my practise will be like – now that is exciting!

MAGNES JACK: Great! So the fun is winning now.

Alan: Oh, yes! Hey, I get it!

MAGNES JACK: [Laughing] Well, hopefully you will take some more with you!!!

Alan: No, seriously. That’s fantastic. I really feel like I know what I need to do now. The penny’s dropped!

MAGNES JACK: Terrific. Well, have fun!

Alan: Oh, I will.

DAY ONE: AFTERNOON (IV) – Janet

Janet: Magnes, I’m in a situation at the moment, and would appreciate your advice on how I might go about working with it.

MAGNES JACK: Ok. Fire away.

Janet: Well. It’s like this. I’m in a well-paid job right now, but it’s not what I want to do, and although I’m good at it, I now realise that. I have found a job that is more akin to what I want, but the money is like half, so it’s means taking a substantial drop. Basically, I am stuck and don’t know how to even evaluate it.

MAGNES JACK: Is it really so hard?

Janet: Not sure what do you mean?

MAGNES JACK: You are seeing two options: stay in your current job and earn good money or leave and enjoy your job but drop your income to half. True? [Janet: Yes] And you would like me to advise in some way? [Janet: Yes] But Janet, I cannot, because this is your decision to make.

All I will say is that there are rarely only two options available. Maybe we stop looking after two! Maybe two is enough.

Also, you are looking at this comparison as if both options were going to last forever. Nothing does, so appreciate that your decision, whatever it is, is probably short-term. Particularly, in these times.

Something else to consider is what is it that you are to get from this new job, that isn’t in your current one? And is this something you can bring in to your current job? Or perhaps you can explore this new aspect some other way, perhaps phase it in?

Then again, you might just decide that you can cope with the drop in salary, and that it will be a welcome incentive to learn to have fun with less.

Janet, there are no easy answers in life; we just make our decision and accept the consequences.
Janet: I thought that perhaps you would suggest looking at what I valued in life, and evaluating the jobs in those terms.

MAGNES JACK: And have you done that?

Janet: Not yet, no.

MAGNES JACK: Janet, you feel a desire for change, and yet that change has consequences. To that extent, you are in the same boat as we are all in. But get creative, because there are many more possibilities out there for sure.

Janet: Ok. Thanks.

MAGNES JACK: No problem. Can I just say here that I know many people come to seminars like this to find answers to certain difficulties in their life and that is fine, but I certainly cannot nor will I make anyone’s decisions for them.

You are all quite remarkable people. You know that I hope.

And as such, there is very little, if anything beyond your capability.

In general, we only are willing to see a small part of our capability, and the rest lies dormant, and I would call on that to waken up, and for you to begin to sense and appreciate your capacity for change and for action. You are truly remarkable people.

Never forget that.

DAY ONE: AFTERNOON (IV) – Barry

Barry: Magnes. [MAGNES JACK: Hello.] Magnes, I get the whole having fun thing. But I’m still not sure that I will be able to sustain it for long.

MAGNES JACK: I don’t follow you. Why do you want to sustain having fun?

Barry: Isn’t that the point?

MAGNES JACK: No. The point is to grow and enjoy life. How can we grow if we remain fixed in the way we see ourselves? Well, we can’t. But yet to change, we need to shift how we see ourselves and thereby see new possibilities. But that is difficult. Change is difficult. It’s an effort. Now, just because something is an effort, doesn’t mean it can’t be fun! But that’s how we tend to think. So, all I’m saying here is that we inject some fun into the proceedings, so we can be more fluid, see more new possibilities, act on them, experience new things, learn and grow – and enjoy life!!!

But if we are trying to sustain anything, fun or depressing, it all gets a bit heavy and serious. And we want to bring in more light and fun. This is not to say that life is not desperately sad at times, because it is. We are not removing any ingredient from life. It is all they to be enjoyed. It is merely our approach to life, and ourselves, that we are exploring here.

Does that help in any way Barry?

Barry: I think I was getting a bit hooked onto the fun thing. [Laughing]

MAGNES JACK: Well, Barry, there are worse things to be hooked on!

DAY ONE: AFTERNOON (IV) – James

James: Hi Magnes. I’d like to ask you about the second part of the title of this seminar, which is “Do it your way.”

MAGNES JACK: I was wondering when someone would notice that.

James: Well, I know you mentioned, “Feel the fear and do it anyway”, and this theme has a very different emphasis. Could you say a little about this please?

MAGNES JACK: Sure James – thank you for the question. But let’s open this up first. What do you suppose is meant by “do it your way?”

Mary: Well, what comes to mind is that who else’s way could it be?

MAGNES JACK: That is technically true. We are doing it ourselves, but is it our way?

Mary: Hmmm. I see what you mean. I suppose I might think it’s my way, but actually I’m following some proscribed way, perhaps deferring to what others think I should do.

MAGNES JACK: Well, that is certainly true for a lot of people. We believe we are doing our own thing, but actually, we get to sixty before we realise that our whole life has been spent trying to please our father, or something like that.

Anyone else have any thoughts?

Geoff: Are you saying that we must be careful not to ignore our own instincts in this?

MAGNES JACK: That’s important too. To listen to our feelings on the matter, for sure.

There are different aspects to this, but the one I want to focus on is that there is no rulebook that says you must do it this way or that. We are often paralysed by the thought of what other people will think, or what did other people do.

And, of course, we can learn from others, but we are each our own unique and funny creature. Each of us is different and brings something quite specific to the party.

Your way IS different.

Have trust in that.

That is really all I’m saying.

James, I know I haven’t really covered this is great depth, but do you get the gist of it. It’s really very simple indeed. Just having the understanding that we don’t need to be always checking against what others are doing or have done. That we have our own unique elements to bring out.

James: Yes, I do get a sense of what you’re saying. Sort of, to express ourselves and not be afraid of doing that, because it may be different to what others may have done.

MAGNES JACK: Quite right. That’s very well put, “To not be afraid to express our unique selves.” Thank you very much James!

DAY ONE: AFTERNOON (IV) – Intro…

“WELCOME BACK! This is the last session of the day, so if you have any questions for today, now is the time. Ok. Let’s welcome back, MAGNES JACK.”

MAGNES JACK: Thank you. Ok. The last session of the day, let’s make it a good one.

Actually, before we begin, I’d just like to say a few words around structure, as I was speaking with someone at lunch, and they were saying how they often did well, for a while, but found it hard to remain consistent in their process of change.

Essentially, this comes down to structure in the sense of making this part of your life. I know some people use journals for example, and I would recommend that if you don’t already, you do use a journal to support this process.

Now, straight away, I imagine there will be some thinking, “Oh, journals – it was too much like hard work; anyway I keep forgetting.” And so on.

But the point is not the journal, as such, but that you are serious about having fun in life.

If you are serious about having fun, then a journal is a simple and superb way to keep on track about what you are learning, and what new steps you might take, and what patterns you have noticed etc.

If you did find yourself falling into a knee-jerk reaction over the mention of the word “journal”, then what could you do?

You could simply be amused at your knee-jerk reaction and ask yourself, “How can I make journaling a lot of fun for me?”

And I would truly recommend it as a daily activity.

Ok. That’s all I have to say on that.

DAY ONE: AFTERNOON (III) – Helen

MAGNES JACK: Something I’d like to mention here is about the whole attitude, which comes from feeling the fun and doing it your way.

You see, whenever we are stuck in a pattern, it tends to be a little serious. Fun comes from fluidity.

But how do we see that we are stuck? Well, I think it’s a fair assumption that most of the time, we do respond in a patterned way, and I’m not saying that’s bad, I’m saying that with respect to learning and achieving the kinds of dreams you have, then you can have more fun if you have a flexible approach.

What tends to happen is that we resist such flexibility and really don’t want to give up our usual way of doing things.

We are stubborn as hell.

The quickest way that I’ve found to shift this mood into something more useful is simply to find it funny.

It can be hilarious, to me, that I should react the same way every time to a particular stimulus, whether that be a comment from a friend, or a situation that has come about, or a certain kind of challenge. This is funny!

In fact, unless we laugh, we may well start to cry, because of the sadness of it. So given a choice, we laugh. Now, I will admit, that sometimes I cry first and then laugh. [Laughs] But, that’s me.

It’s important to realise that we are laughing at the fact that we are basing our actions on only one version of events which we are acting as if were true. And this is never the case. They are always, many ways to see and feel around a situation. And dong so, will provide you with many more possibilities than the same-old, same-old.

So when you find yourself stuck, just allow a little smile to make it’s way across your face. And let that smile turn into amusement.

Now this will change you life. [Laughs]

Helen: Hi Magnes, that sounds too simple. [Laughs]

MAGNES JACK: I know. [Laughing]

Mind you, it is so simple that I will be surprised to find anyone doing it.

Our knee-jerk response to what appears to be simple is to write it off. “That’s just too simple, it’ll never work.” And often we won’t even try it!

But, we can, if we wish, use this precise approach on itself. By looking at our knee-jerk rejection of this, we can look at that itself, and find it funny that we should write something off so quickly, without even giving it a go. It is hilarious, in fact, that we are so willing to reject the very thing that would help us, just because we don’t “see it” initially.

And yet, as has been pointed out, initially we only “see” what we want to “see”, so we really cannot take this as being the only “take” on things. Otherwise, we lock ourselves back inside the prison of our little bubble.

Helen: I see. I was certainly in danger of writing it off. But I shall endeavour to give it a go today, and see what I can learn from the experience.

MAGNES JACK: Helen, that’s wonderful. That is all I ever ask. That we try these things out and see if they work for us. If they don’t then fine.

It remains a truism that some of the most powerful things, in terms of personal change, are so simple that we just push them to one side.

I mean if you think of all the self-help books you have read, and a lot of them are fine, they have got good stuff in there, but how much have you actually applied?

Why is that? Is it because we don’t want to change? But we bought the book didn’t we? I mean, surely, we wanted to change. Ah, but the idea of change and the reality of change are two different beasts. One is lovely, the other is terrifying. [Laughs]

So, we put the book away, and rationalise it’s suggestions as “Not quite what we were looking for.” You see, most of us are looking for a kind of change that doesn’t exist; a kind of change that requires little or no effort on our part.

Change is difficult. There is no getting around it. BUT…this is no reason why it can’t be fun! That is my central message, and if you leave with nothing else, leave with that.

It is our desire to have easy change or short-cut change that keeps us on the roundabout of self-help. Unlike the X-files, the truth is not “out there”, it is “in here”.

So to begin, we need to accept this basic fact: change is difficult.

I know that many books and trainers try to convince us otherwise, but the evidence is clear for all to see.

But, just because it’s difficult, doesn’t mean…

[audience members] …it can’t be fun!

MAGNES JACK: Precisely! Thank you. [Laughing]

There are many things in life, which are difficult and fun. In fact, the more difficult they are, the more fun they can be. But our desire for easy change means we give up far too easily.

As a result, novels aren’t written, courses aren’t created, songs are not sung, relationships never occur, businesses stay as ideas…and on and on.

This is not to say that every idea will be successful, but it will be successful in that you will learn from it.

————————————–

“OK, everyone. It’s time for an afternoon break. If you could be back in twenty minutes. Thank you.”

DAY ONE: AFTERNOON (III) – Fundamental/Various

MAGNES JACK: I’d just like to spend a few minutes on a very fundamental rule when it’s comes to having fun.

Let me ask you this:

How do you see yourself today,
as compared to yesterday?

Anyone like to share?

Julian: Well, I actually feel a great deal different today than yesterday. I feel a lot lighter somehow. Had you asked me this yesterday, I would have said, “Pretty much the same.”

MAGNES JACK: Thank you Julian, and why would that have been?

Julian: I don’t know. I just don’t feel I’ve changed within myself much for a long time.

MAGNES JACK: And would you like to?

Julian: Sure! That is one of the reasons for me being here.

MAGNES JACK: Ok. So is it more that you’re not sure how to go about it, or that you do, but somehow manage to get in your own way.

Julian: I think it’s knowing the “how”. If I knew how, then at least I could have something to work with.

MAGNES JACK: Great. Well put. So, Julian has made a very good point there, about knowing the how. So let’s look at that directly. Because when we talk about change, we are really talking about a change in our perception of ourselves – that is all that ever really changes.

So, here’s the question:

“What kind of things bring about
a change in how we see ourselves?”

Anyone?

Mary: For me, it’s when I achieve something really significant.

MAGNES JACK: Yes, that can really have an impact. Anything else?

Joe: Sometimes it can be something as small as a comment that someone makes which really changes the way you see yourself.

MAGNES JACK: Thank Joe. Would you have an example?

Joe: Oh, like my English teacher. Out of nowhere he said, “Joe, you have a first class imagination.” And I was stunned. Something just changed within me from that moment on.

MAGNES JACK: Great! I love that: “I was stunned.” When someone we admire tells us something like that which has the force of truth in it, our bubble undergoes a re-configuration. Somehow, it needs to slot in “first class imagination” in there; which will have quite an impact and ripple effect on everything else too!

Thanks Joe. That’s the power of words.

Anything else?

Karen: For me, I get to the point where I just have to change. I have no choice if you like. The prospect of not changing is just too horrible, so I force myself to.

MAGNES JACK: Great point. Yes! Like the story of the man on the bike. Lovely! Anything else?

Jim: When I think of things that have really shifted stuff for me, it has been seeing things that literally shock my world. Travel, for instance, can certainly broaden the mind. Seeing a new invention even can create a sense of possibility that wasn’t there before.

On the other hand, this can be negative, if say something bad happens in a particular situation then I tend to associate those things together, so I can learn new patterns very easily, if they really stand out.

MAGNES JACK: Thanks Jim. And a good point about the negative too. Change works both ways.

Ok. Thanks you for the examples. What I wanted to illustrate is that at a fundamental level, change comes about by our experience of the NEW.

I like to think of it as the Land of the New. And when we travel to that land, it is unknown, and the therefore a great deal of fear comes up. Also, the further we travel into the Land of the New, the more significant is the experience, and the most affecting it is on how we see ourselves.

Now, I’m not suggesting we all go and do this, but it was very interesting watching a documentary recently about an English lady spending a month in a tribe which has had very little contact with the outside world. These people came back utterly changed by the experience. Everyone around them having such a radically different view of things, a different bubble, and so in time, her’s began to crack and let in a new kind of light. It was very heart-warming actually. This one tribal elder was quite interested in this new lady, but she just “saw” him as very sweet, but not her type in a hundred and one ways. But by the end of her time, he was deeply in her heart, and although in her head, she had to go, she took much of the tribal feeling with her.

So we have this basic rule, or observation, that to change how we see ourselves (which is what change is all about) we require new experiences and the stranger the better, in terms of the impact.

If we are going to expose ourselves to new experiences then we either sit on our arse and wait for them to knock on the door, and so they will, although the knocks get less when the door isn’t answered; or, we go seeking for them.

And by seeking, I’m not necessarily talking about flying to spend time with a lost tribe, although that’s one possibility. But the NEW lies in the smallest of places, and Jim mentioned. And we can forge new experiences right now by shifting our approach and framing situations intentionally.

We can challenge our view. Look at our motives. Take new actions. Discover the art of patience. There is a lot to discover.

Ok. That’s a lot of talking from me. Would anyone like to comment on this?

Geoffrey: If I get you right, then to have fun changing, we need to seek out the new.

MAGNES JACK: Well, yes. You will certainly have more fun with the new, because the new brings fear and fear brings challenge, and challenge brings a need for a strategy, and the strategy I’m suggesting is to have fun and learn.

When fear arises, then you have two generally approaches:

1. To fight through like walking through wet sand with a grimace on your face.
2. To dare yourself to have fun, prepare and do you very best and learn.

I’m suggesting, going with daring.

Now, Julian. You started this with your question about “the how” and there are many ways to answer this, but if we keep our focus the NEW, how does this relate to your estimation that you hadn’t really changed. Has their been much exposure to new experience in your life? At least, experiences of the kind that can really shake your bubble and generate the kind of change you are looking for?

Julian: If I’m honest – no. I’ve played it safe in general. And I can see that clearly. I generally feel afraid by real change. It’s an odd paradox. I want it, but I don’t.

MAGNES JACK: Julian, I think you have handed everyone a gift today with that. Because this strange paradox lies at the heart of many a desire for change, and sheds some light on why we regularly have a metaphorical foot on the break. The unknown is simply too much of a leap in the dark for most of us. So we pay it too much respect and become very cautious. That said, we all can start somewhere, and one man’s dangerous leap is another man’s walk in the park, so it is all quite specific to the individual.

We need a strategy to guide our actions. The intention of this strategy being to gain new experiences and so to learn, change and grow.

Now still, someone may ask, “But what?” What can I do that is new?”

And in that kind of statement we see the power of the status quo, and the power of our little bubble in maintaining it’s rule over our perception. We find we have fostered an attitude of the victim, who has little or no creativity left.

The best way to begin – always – is with a question.

Take any area of you life and ask, “What would be a step in a new direction?”

Whether it be your work, and project you had put off, a relationship, doing up your house, contacting friends…any area of your life, just ask yourself, “What would be a new step?”

Prepare for it and take it. Don’t expect anything other than to learn. There’s no need to expect failure or success. Only do your best and learn. That is the only requirement.

Afterwards, you take stock of where you are at now, look around you, sniff the air, check your feelings, and see what is drawing you now.

Julian, do you fancy taking on a little task today, to report back to us tomorrow?

Julian: [Looking a little worried] OK.

MAGNES JACK: Don’t worry, it’s not too scary! Julian, for the rest of today and through this evening, would you be willing to have a little fun with life and your desire to change for real. And this fun, will entail you choosing a new step for you, maybe in who you speak with, or how you speak with them, or maybe what you do or don’t speak about! It could be many things. So it is choosing something new with respect to interactions, and to have a new experience. Not to try to succeed or fail, but to enjoy the new, and whatever happens to learn. Would you do that, and let us know tomorrow what you found out?

Julian: Well, yes, I’ll certainly give it my best try.

MAGNES JACK: Excellent.

DAY ONE: AFTERNOON (III) – Susan

Susan: Magnes, could I pick up on your point about relationships, because I would definitely like to have more fun than I’m having at the moment!

MAGNES JACK: Sure Susan. Any particular relationship you want to explore here?

Susan: The relationship with my husband. We get on ok, but there are certain moments, flashpoints if you will, where he gets upset at me, or I get upset at him and the whole thing simmers for days. And no matter what I do, I can’t seem to get to the bottom of it.

MAGNES JACK: Susan, I’m about to ask you a very odd question, but I’m asking it because I think it might help people to understand a little bit more about the role of fun in relationships.

The question is this: Have you ever considered having some fun with these flashpoints?

Susan: Fun?

MAGNES JACK: I take that as a “No”. [Laughing]

Susan: A definite “No”. Usually, it gets very heavy, very quickly, like BOOM! And then, we are in Crapsville, Arizona.

MAGNES JACK: Right. Now, first of all, notice how radical it is to even entertain having fun with something so “serious” as a close relationship. It’s almost taboo!

Well, ok, here is a way you can have some fun. Actually, a little background first. When it comes to relationships, particularly close one’s; we think we know each other so well, that the interactions can even feel programmed: I say this, you say that and so on.

It reminds me, in fact, of the old philosophical story around being in a boat on a boating lake. And you are paddling along, when out of nowhere, another boat hits you. THUD. You look up and see someone in the other boat and you get angry at them, “What the **** are you playing at?”

Now, imagine that when the boat hits, you look up and there’s no one in the boat. It’s an empty boat. Would you get angry just the same? No. Why not?

So, just let that one simmer in the background…and let’s get back to relationships and having fun with heavy situations. Things recur because we are so fixed in the way we see things. So, to have some fun we need to shake up what we are seeing.

How? Fluid-framing. In this case, what we can do is speak with our partner as if they were a complete stranger, of whom we knew nothing, or perhaps very little.

That being the case, we can make no assumptions at all about what they meant, or how they took our statements. Nor do we have any history of reacting to them. Having no assumptions, all we can do is ask questions to find out.

And the important aspect is the way in which we ask the questions, the tone of it. Rather than the somewhat accusatory tone, which comes from making assumptions about motive.

I would recommend it, for sure.

What do you think Susan? Would you be willing to have some fun and give it a go?

Susan: Oh, definitely. I can see actually how we spark each other off. It is really so predictable.

MAGNES JACK: That’s right. We really need to blast that predictability out of the water by having some fun and challenging our current stuck view of things. Seeing a partner as a complete stranger is a great way of doing this.

My hope is that you will discover something new about him, and in so doing; he will discover something new about you too, that was not at all expected. From such fruitful beginnings, a new relationship can come about. But we all need to be sensitive to where we are at.

Susan: Thank you Magnes.

MAGNES JACK: No problem. Have some fun for goodness sake. The world is serious enough as it is.

DAY ONE: AFTERNOON (III) – Bill

“WELCOME BACK! HOPE YOU HAD AN ENJOYABLE LUNCH. This session will take us up to 5pm with a break for tea and coffee in between. Ok. Let’s welcome back, MAGNES JACK.”

MAGNES JACK: Thank you! Good to see you all looking so sated and sleepy. [Laughing] Where shall we go next?

Bill: Hi Magnes. Magnes, I’ve really enjoyed today, but I want to say that I still have this niggling feeling that having fun is somewhat frivolous. And this goes back to the “heavy-duty” comment earlier. Could you talk around your own definition of what it means to have fun changing?

MAGNES JACK: Thank you for the question Bill. And it’s an excellent one. Many people say that having fun is childish. Yet, I would say that having fun is to bring back the child-like wonder at the world, the mystery of it, the mystery of you. You with me?

Mystery seems to have had a bad press. Mystery is a pre-requisite for having fun. Where there is no mystery, where is the fun?

It is curious to me that as we apparently grow up and become adults we lose this sense of mystery and everything needs to make sense. Think about the word “adulterated”, which means to make impure by adding extraneous, improper, or inferior ingredients.

That is very much what happens as we move from child to adult. We take on so much stuff from other people, and this stuff forms our VR bubble and from then on all we see is the world mediated thorough this stuff.

As children, our bubbles were much more like clear windscreens, but then we kept covering it with wallpaper and posters with statements on it like, “Don’t walk on the grass”, Don’t ask awkward questions” and the like.

So, by placing fun, back at the heart of the matter, I am saying “have fun with what is in your VR Bubble. The world you see is not real, so have some fun! Grow, learn, make friends, have a picnic!”

To an extent, we have engineered ourselves against change, and therefore change has become a struggle, but what I’m saying is to look at how you see that word “struggle”.

We are back to the bubble again. Is it possible, do you think, that you might – with a spot of fluid framing – see this struggle as a fun thing to participate in? Could that happen?

And by fun, I don’t mean smiles plastered on face all the time, I mean that you are engaged, challenged, taking part, getting knocked down and getting back up again, enjoying the battle; seeing life as something to be savoured not devoured! [Laughs]

It’s all in the framing and the approach. And this itself is a matter of intent.

Let’s say you really want to change the way your relationship is going, what you do depends on what? On how you see it and your approach. If you see that anything you say will be taken a certain way, then it probably will. Then, you might see that your response to anything you don’t like is to be irritated, but what if you chose to have some fun and enjoy a different response?

What if, when your wife lambastes you, you laugh and say, “You’ve got a point there! Let’s look at it.” And she might be knocked off her seat that you’ve not done the same-old reaction she normally gets, and suddenly you’re not in Kansas anymore with that conversation.

Can you see how this is a lot more involving than some trivial or frivolous, perhaps shallow, approach?

Fun is deep. It is seriousness that is shallow. Seriousness thinks it already knows and so why question. It already knows your response and it’s own reaction. It’s all about protection and defence. Very little new learning goes on.

Fun, on the other hand, is about challenging what appears to be real. It is about seeing new possibilities and daring to try them out. It is about engaging with people when you don’t quite know what will happen. To an extent, it is a tightrope walk. Which is fun, and dangerous.

Having fun is dangerous, amongst many other things.

Bill, has that answered you in any way?

Bill: Yes, indeed. I can see that you are passionate about fun, but that fun is much more – in the way you are using it – than the word commonly means.

MAGNES JACK: Yes, indeed. We are looking at fun in its depth, and also it’s scope. Vertical and horizontal. Thank you Bill.