DAY ONE: AFTERNOON (III) – Helen

MAGNES JACK: Something I’d like to mention here is about the whole attitude, which comes from feeling the fun and doing it your way.

You see, whenever we are stuck in a pattern, it tends to be a little serious. Fun comes from fluidity.

But how do we see that we are stuck? Well, I think it’s a fair assumption that most of the time, we do respond in a patterned way, and I’m not saying that’s bad, I’m saying that with respect to learning and achieving the kinds of dreams you have, then you can have more fun if you have a flexible approach.

What tends to happen is that we resist such flexibility and really don’t want to give up our usual way of doing things.

We are stubborn as hell.

The quickest way that I’ve found to shift this mood into something more useful is simply to find it funny.

It can be hilarious, to me, that I should react the same way every time to a particular stimulus, whether that be a comment from a friend, or a situation that has come about, or a certain kind of challenge. This is funny!

In fact, unless we laugh, we may well start to cry, because of the sadness of it. So given a choice, we laugh. Now, I will admit, that sometimes I cry first and then laugh. [Laughs] But, that’s me.

It’s important to realise that we are laughing at the fact that we are basing our actions on only one version of events which we are acting as if were true. And this is never the case. They are always, many ways to see and feel around a situation. And dong so, will provide you with many more possibilities than the same-old, same-old.

So when you find yourself stuck, just allow a little smile to make it’s way across your face. And let that smile turn into amusement.

Now this will change you life. [Laughs]

Helen: Hi Magnes, that sounds too simple. [Laughs]

MAGNES JACK: I know. [Laughing]

Mind you, it is so simple that I will be surprised to find anyone doing it.

Our knee-jerk response to what appears to be simple is to write it off. “That’s just too simple, it’ll never work.” And often we won’t even try it!

But, we can, if we wish, use this precise approach on itself. By looking at our knee-jerk rejection of this, we can look at that itself, and find it funny that we should write something off so quickly, without even giving it a go. It is hilarious, in fact, that we are so willing to reject the very thing that would help us, just because we don’t “see it” initially.

And yet, as has been pointed out, initially we only “see” what we want to “see”, so we really cannot take this as being the only “take” on things. Otherwise, we lock ourselves back inside the prison of our little bubble.

Helen: I see. I was certainly in danger of writing it off. But I shall endeavour to give it a go today, and see what I can learn from the experience.

MAGNES JACK: Helen, that’s wonderful. That is all I ever ask. That we try these things out and see if they work for us. If they don’t then fine.

It remains a truism that some of the most powerful things, in terms of personal change, are so simple that we just push them to one side.

I mean if you think of all the self-help books you have read, and a lot of them are fine, they have got good stuff in there, but how much have you actually applied?

Why is that? Is it because we don’t want to change? But we bought the book didn’t we? I mean, surely, we wanted to change. Ah, but the idea of change and the reality of change are two different beasts. One is lovely, the other is terrifying. [Laughs]

So, we put the book away, and rationalise it’s suggestions as “Not quite what we were looking for.” You see, most of us are looking for a kind of change that doesn’t exist; a kind of change that requires little or no effort on our part.

Change is difficult. There is no getting around it. BUT…this is no reason why it can’t be fun! That is my central message, and if you leave with nothing else, leave with that.

It is our desire to have easy change or short-cut change that keeps us on the roundabout of self-help. Unlike the X-files, the truth is not “out there”, it is “in here”.

So to begin, we need to accept this basic fact: change is difficult.

I know that many books and trainers try to convince us otherwise, but the evidence is clear for all to see.

But, just because it’s difficult, doesn’t mean…

[audience members] …it can’t be fun!

MAGNES JACK: Precisely! Thank you. [Laughing]

There are many things in life, which are difficult and fun. In fact, the more difficult they are, the more fun they can be. But our desire for easy change means we give up far too easily.

As a result, novels aren’t written, courses aren’t created, songs are not sung, relationships never occur, businesses stay as ideas…and on and on.

This is not to say that every idea will be successful, but it will be successful in that you will learn from it.

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“OK, everyone. It’s time for an afternoon break. If you could be back in twenty minutes. Thank you.”

DAY ONE: AFTERNOON (III) – Bill

“WELCOME BACK! HOPE YOU HAD AN ENJOYABLE LUNCH. This session will take us up to 5pm with a break for tea and coffee in between. Ok. Let’s welcome back, MAGNES JACK.”

MAGNES JACK: Thank you! Good to see you all looking so sated and sleepy. [Laughing] Where shall we go next?

Bill: Hi Magnes. Magnes, I’ve really enjoyed today, but I want to say that I still have this niggling feeling that having fun is somewhat frivolous. And this goes back to the “heavy-duty” comment earlier. Could you talk around your own definition of what it means to have fun changing?

MAGNES JACK: Thank you for the question Bill. And it’s an excellent one. Many people say that having fun is childish. Yet, I would say that having fun is to bring back the child-like wonder at the world, the mystery of it, the mystery of you. You with me?

Mystery seems to have had a bad press. Mystery is a pre-requisite for having fun. Where there is no mystery, where is the fun?

It is curious to me that as we apparently grow up and become adults we lose this sense of mystery and everything needs to make sense. Think about the word “adulterated”, which means to make impure by adding extraneous, improper, or inferior ingredients.

That is very much what happens as we move from child to adult. We take on so much stuff from other people, and this stuff forms our VR bubble and from then on all we see is the world mediated thorough this stuff.

As children, our bubbles were much more like clear windscreens, but then we kept covering it with wallpaper and posters with statements on it like, “Don’t walk on the grass”, Don’t ask awkward questions” and the like.

So, by placing fun, back at the heart of the matter, I am saying “have fun with what is in your VR Bubble. The world you see is not real, so have some fun! Grow, learn, make friends, have a picnic!”

To an extent, we have engineered ourselves against change, and therefore change has become a struggle, but what I’m saying is to look at how you see that word “struggle”.

We are back to the bubble again. Is it possible, do you think, that you might – with a spot of fluid framing – see this struggle as a fun thing to participate in? Could that happen?

And by fun, I don’t mean smiles plastered on face all the time, I mean that you are engaged, challenged, taking part, getting knocked down and getting back up again, enjoying the battle; seeing life as something to be savoured not devoured! [Laughs]

It’s all in the framing and the approach. And this itself is a matter of intent.

Let’s say you really want to change the way your relationship is going, what you do depends on what? On how you see it and your approach. If you see that anything you say will be taken a certain way, then it probably will. Then, you might see that your response to anything you don’t like is to be irritated, but what if you chose to have some fun and enjoy a different response?

What if, when your wife lambastes you, you laugh and say, “You’ve got a point there! Let’s look at it.” And she might be knocked off her seat that you’ve not done the same-old reaction she normally gets, and suddenly you’re not in Kansas anymore with that conversation.

Can you see how this is a lot more involving than some trivial or frivolous, perhaps shallow, approach?

Fun is deep. It is seriousness that is shallow. Seriousness thinks it already knows and so why question. It already knows your response and it’s own reaction. It’s all about protection and defence. Very little new learning goes on.

Fun, on the other hand, is about challenging what appears to be real. It is about seeing new possibilities and daring to try them out. It is about engaging with people when you don’t quite know what will happen. To an extent, it is a tightrope walk. Which is fun, and dangerous.

Having fun is dangerous, amongst many other things.

Bill, has that answered you in any way?

Bill: Yes, indeed. I can see that you are passionate about fun, but that fun is much more – in the way you are using it – than the word commonly means.

MAGNES JACK: Yes, indeed. We are looking at fun in its depth, and also it’s scope. Vertical and horizontal. Thank you Bill.